Quinn

ART PROJECT



My art contains sensitive topics such as depression, self-harm, suicide, substance abuse, assault and just trauma in general. If you can’t engage with these topics safely then I advise you to either engage with this with a mentally stable trusted adult or not engage with it at all.
I am pretty sure that one of you mentally unstable people are still going to engage with this, without a mentally stable person, so I do not take responsibility for your actions, neither for triggering you. I warned you about this, this is your choice, not mine.
If someone you know or you are in a CRISIS, please reach out to a health care professional, group home or reach out to 147 or 143. GET SUPPORT!


Most mental health things don’t exist in a void they intermingle with each other. I would argue that nothing exists in a void, not even ideas or thoughts. I originally wanted to have several topics but realised that it would be too much for me in my current state. My energy levels are low with sporadic bouts of energy. I have simplified the topics so that it makes any sort of sense and has some structure. Also so that I can actually finish this project on time.

These are my experiences and emotions. It made this project so much more difficult to do because I kept interrogating my emotions to find out what I’m going through. It’s also a very sensitive topic so I wanted to only share what would be appropriate and necessary to show my point. I didn’t want to vent about it. That’s what blogs are for.

These things are very individual and personal. So, please don’t generalize this and say it applies to everyone because human nature is never that simple. I hope this provides you with something and doesn’t just waist your time. If it did, then I’m sorry.

When I was 9, I learned that most people wanted or even demanded me to be like them, like everyone else. I also learned quickly that I am not like them and that I’ll never be that.
At first, I didn’t mind, just a few comments about me being quirky. As I grew older though it just went to insults from idiot to psycho. It didn’t help that one of my main interests were serial killers and NCIS. I didn’t really think much about it back then. I thought they were just being honest. I knew that I wasn’t the most sympathetic kid ever, so maybe I gave off that impression.

So naturally I tried to change the way I acted and just tried my best to adjust to everyone else, so that I maybe am not a bad person. My parents also taught me the importance of my image. That I should be able to control how others perceive me.

Every year, I tried my best to, but I just felt so exhausted afterwards, like the life had been sucked out of me. After a few weeks I just gave up, being like them.
Unless I absolutely must pretend that I’m exactly like them, I don’t. It simply is just too exhausting. Have a few minor problems with classmates and no friends or have “friends” but feel like dying? Yeah, I’m choosing minor problems thank you.

Audio: A cage with no bars


However, I learned that I can’t hide the fact that my mind works differently, but I could still be liked and admired by them.
I adjust myself to them, to their interests, hobbies, mannerisms, speaking style. I don’t lie but I deceive people constantly.

In one social group I am a cinnamon roll, in another an apathetic person, in another a passionate activist, in another an artist giving it their all, whatever I need to be, I am. However, in each iteration there is always a part of me in it. That’s what makes it so effective and hard to spot.

Of course, none of these groups knew of the other groups. However, nowadays most of my friend groups are interconnected with each other through school, hobbies, clubs etc. It makes tracking what other people know about me immensely difficult, which throws a wrench into my plans a lot of the time. I hate it.

I do it more subconsciously now. It’s a hard habit to break. It’s kept me safe.

The thing is, when I am myself, truly myself, then no one cares about my opinion because I’m either too timid and people bulldozer over me or don’t hear me or I’m emotional and passionate and no one takes my seriously. This is especially true when they don’t like my opinion.
Most people either only see my flaws or only my strengths. They either don’t expect anything from me or for everything to be of a high standard. If they see a mistake, then they judge me for it. Even if it’s one that most people make.

WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IT MY VOICE DOESN’T MATTER, ONLY MY MISTAKES.

BUT THERE IS ALWAYS CHANCE THAT IT MIGHT MATTER, SO I’LL SHOUT AND SCREAM!

IF MY VOICE DOESN’T MATTER, MY VERSE, THEN WHAT IS THE POINT OF EXISTING?





Audio: Trauma


I felt my boundaries were violated multiple times by many different people, but no one hurt me as
much as she did. My body wasn’t my home, more like a cage. The only other person that comes close to that was my former friend who abandoned me on a class trip in the night in Lugano.

I know she loves me and supports me, she says, but she has doesn’t know the harm she caused and still causes. She has gotten better but it’s a slow process. She cares about me and doesn’t violate my boundaries anymore. I still need to correct a few things; however, I don’t fear her anymore. She is a safe person now, with flaws, of course, but it’s okay now.

Most people, regardless of where they are on the political spectrum, are hypocrites. Being consistent with your beliefs seems to be, for most people, a very hard thing to do.

I understand that people might do something that goes against their values because they are afraid. Sometimes their beliefs change just so they can look themselves in the mirror and not feel guilty about what they did.

I think, I’m close to establishing my core beliefs to a point where I can stand on my own two feet.
Unlearning ingrained thought processes that once served me but don’t anymore is difficult.

Audio:Hypocrite


You can’t heal in isolation; you need human connection. You must rub the wound with alcohol, let it heal properly without interference and depending on the wound you either have a scar or you don’t.

Since secondary school, I felt out of control of my body, my life. I attempted to not eat for 24 hours for months because I wanted to prove to myself that I could control myself. It just made me numb and weak.

During my first year of gymnasium, I struggled quite a lot with substance abuse with caffeine and alcohol up until when during summer break I drank so much that my mother nearly called the hospital luckily her friend managed to convince her not to
I thought if substances influence my emotional state, then maybe under the right conditions and dosage then I would be able to control my emotions.

My emotions are rather intense, so I don’t news an amplifier for my emotions.

These range from “I’m so tired, no matter how much I sleep, someone please kill me!” to “I will read 10 books, while also studying for three exams and I will nail my French test without preparing for it at all!” while feeling anxious and knowing I’ll do it perfectly and then fail spectacularly, which makes me then feel guilty.

I also have the “............................................................................” moments when I don’t feel anything and do not have the motivation to get out of bed and make
myself food.” Those are the worst because I can be in pain and or starving and or need to go to the toilet and still not manage to get myself out of bed unless the pain is unbearable. Even watching something on my phone in these moments can feel like to much effort. Then I usually end up staring into nothingness and thinking about death, my death.

I DON’T EVEN HAVE THE ENERGY NEITHER THE CONFIDENCE TO ATTEMPT TO KILL MYSELF, IN THESE MOMENTS!

EVEN IF I DESPERATLY WANT TO!

I JUST WANTED IT ALL TO STOP!

I WANTED THE WORLD TO END!

TO SEPARATE MYSELF FROM MY BODY.

LET IT GO THROUGH THE SHIT THAT IT HAD TO!

TO NOT NEED TO FEEL THE PAIN AND THE POUNDING OF MY HEART!

I DIDN’T KNOW THERE WAS ANOTHER WAY! NONE OF THE ADVICE I RECEIVED WORKED!

I THOUGHT IT WAS THE ONLY OPTION BESIDES KILLING MYSELF!

As I am writing this, I am sober for 9 months and 19 days now. I relapsed a lot at first, but I am proud of myself.

However, still, even if I only smell alcohol, especially white wine, then all these thoughts come rushing back. I once had a sip of beer afterwards I was shaking, very agitated and all I could think about the next few hours was.

“FUCK IT! I NEED A DRINK, NOW!”

It can also be places where I was when I was puking or drinking extensively. That’s why I avoid parties and certain places.

It can also be emotions like despair, loss of control that trigger this response. Either I just brush it off which I can nowadays. Or I distract myself from the feeling or if that doesn’t work then I need to just ride it out and repeat to myself to not self-harm.

However, I didn’t know, still don’t know how to release my emotions, to manage them.
My anger feels like my skin is boiling!

I broke a lot of pencils, ripped pillowcases, yelled at and threatened people to get rid of my anger.
No matter what I did, I couldn’t release the tension from my body.

I would feel angry, nervous or sad for hours and could do nothing about it, most of the times it was inconvenient.




That’s what led me to self-harm.
Every time, I hit myself some of the tension would go away, the thoughts went away.

“DIE, YOU FUCKING TWAT!! DIE, DIE, DIE!”
“COME ON, JUMP OUT OF THAT WINDOWS! “

The Sting, the pain, felt so nice and relaxing. It made the uncomfortable feelings go away and I could control the amount of pain that I felt.





I WAS PROUD OF MY SCARS!
I DIDN’T STOP UNTIL I COULD FEEL THE SCARS UNDER MY FINGERS!
WHEN MY SKIN WOULD

However, a friend, saw what I was doing and couldn’t bear it. That’s why I’m trying to stop doing it. It’s hard. I think about it on a nearly daily basis, so I sometimes just tell myself to hold on for only 20 minutes or to not do it at a family diner. Most of the time, it goes away, for a while, but then returns the moment I feel sad or overwhelmed again.

Self-harm can also serve as a coping mechanism, a safety net. I know that it stopped me sometimes from attempting to kill myself. That is why, when patients are at high risk of attempting suicide, professionals try to minimize self-harm, not eradicate it because for the patient it might be the only coping mechanism that they still have.

IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE THAT SELF-HARMS DON'T FREAK OUT!
IT WILL SIMPLY MAKE THEM FEEL GUILTY!
TALK ABOUT IT WITH THEM, IN A CALM WAY!
MAKE THEM FEEL SAFE!



Audio: mood swings


People are suicidal for different reasons just as they are depressed for different reasons. I am safe and well now, my therapist knows of this, and she doesn’t consider me at risk of killing myself for multiple reasons.

Suicide is a tabu topic in our society even though it shouldn’t be. If you dare to bring it up, most people will assume that you are suicidal. Even though you only have questions about it, want to be prepared should you ever need the tools to deescalate a situation, or you just want to help a loved one.

I think that people don’t like to talk about suicide because it reminds of the fact that they will die. Even during mental health events I sometimes see people dancing around the word suicide or suicide attempt.

The fact that there is so much stigma around the topic doesn’t help suicidal people. Most of them think, that if they talk about their struggles and suicidality that they will be institutionalized, aka go to the mental hospital. So, I will tell you how they assess the risk. This way you can assess the suicidality of someone you know, feel a bit more in control of the situation and not completely freak out.

Please do not use this information to lie to health care professionals so that you can attempt to kill yourself. This is simply there to help you communicate to others how you feel and to give you guidance and reassurance that simply talking about having suicidal thoughts is not going to get you a free of charge trip to the mental hospital.

There are 3 main things that a professional will ask about:
• Plan
• Tools
• Timeframe

That is the reason why you are not allowed to report, to the public, how someone killed themselves.
If all three of these are in place, then you would be a high-risk patient. The other 3 are:
• History of suicidality
• Reasons for staying alive
• Support system

Based on these six criteria they will decide if someone is at risk of killing themselves and if you so how to make sure they are safe. These are carefully weighed with each other. If the person is at risk, then it depends on their determination to kill themselves and the support system they have or lack thereof.

I could explain it more in detail, but this is not a mental health seminar and I’m not a professional. This is just what I learned from professionals.

THANK YOU, FOR KEEPING ME ALIVE!
THANK YOU, FOR TALKING ME OFF THE EDGE!
THANK YOU, FOR PROVIDING ME WITH A SAFE SPACE!
THANK YOU, FOR PAYING MY LUNCH WHEN I FORGOT MY MONEY AT HOME!
THANK YOU, FOR HUGGING ME!
THANK YOU, FOR LISTENING TO MY RAMBLINGS!
THANK YOU, FOR LETTING ME CRY ON YOUR SHOULDER!
THANK YOU, FOR STICKING AROUND EVEN WHEN I WAS A TOTAL MESS!
THANK YOU, FOR SUPPORTING ME!
THANK YOU, FOR GIVING ME ADVICE!
THANK YOU, FOR SHOWING THAT YOU CARE!
THANK YOU, FOR PUSHING ME OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE!

Audio: Eye of the storm